Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Fear Not the NFL lockout: The Lingerie League is Here

Fear not if the Dallas Cowboys don’t play, and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders don’t perform; the Dallas Desire may still do Dallas.

Fear not the NFL Lockout. The Lingerie League is here, and it is not a Fantasy League.

The field is only 50 Yards long. Half the distance - twice the fun. Each half is 17 minutes with a possible three time outs, of which a maximum of 2 can be called to adjust makeup. The team physician is a plastic surgeon.

Team names are provocative.

No pansies such as Bears, Jaguars, Lions, Panthers, or Tigers.

No politically incorrect names such as Chiefs, Indians, and Redskins.

This is not your grandfather’s roller derby team, the Bay City Bombers.

The teams, always subject to change, include the Baltimore Charm, Philadelphia Passion, Chicago Bliss, San Diego Seduction, Los Angeles Temptation, and Las Vegas Sin. A new team is the Green Bay Chill. The players will never be confused with Cheeseheads. Still awaiting are the Detroit Divas, Flint Flirts, Fort Worth Foxes, New York Nymphs,Texas Teasers, and Vancouver Vixens.

The players have to learn a new vocabulary.

Split ends are wide receivers and not a bad hair day.

The Hail Mary is not a Christian prayer.

Cover 2 is not the photo spread on the inside cover.

A chop block is not in the kitchen.

A clipping is not a hair cut.

Fade out is a play and not mascara.

Student Body Left is not a political statement; indeed, a college degree is not required.

36-24-36 is a play call and not Marilyn Monroe’s figure.

The taxi squad is, well, never mind.

Check out the tight ends and tail backs.

Savor the naked bootleg.

Love the spread formation.

Admire the moves.

Pay close attention to the sideline action. 20 players are on a team, but only 14 can suit up at a time. Game play is 7 on 7.

All players have to put out 100%.

The quarterback is known as The Goddess.

The Goddess makes passes at everyone.

Anticipate the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction moment.

The rules for drug tests are precise:

Steroids – NO
Silicone – YES

The uniforms consist of shoulder pads, elbow pads, knee pads, garters, sports bras, panties, and helmets with visors.

Think of a pigskin without the pig.

Think Hooters with a ball and not a plate.

There is no beef on the line.

A breach of contract exists for wearing unapproved apparel ; no excessive covering of skin.

The founder of the League explained the marketing objective is “mostly beer-drinking college students aged 21 and up.” That explains it all.

League rules include no field goals or punts; hence no touchbacks, although back touching is allowed.

Out of a spirit of equality, the cheerleaders should be Chippendales.

Monday, March 28, 2011

What's Next For the NCAA?

The NCAA and CBS are in a pickle - a 14 year, $11 billion pickle. The 4 remaining teams in the NCAA tournament this year represent the teeming media markets of Storrs, Connecticut (actually Hartford-Springfield), Lexington, Kentucky (or the whole state of Kentucky), Indianapolis, Indiana, and Richmond, Virginia.

Almost all the basketball royalty, the blue bloods are gone: Duke, North Carolina, UCLA, Kansas, Michigan State. The Big Ten, Big 12, Pac Ten, ACC all gone. Athletic powerhouses, Texas, Ohio State are history. The Big east – only 1 of 11 teams. The big states, California, Texas, Florida, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Ohio AWOL. No team west of the Mississippi! Past champions, Georgetown, Ohio State, Villanova, Arizona, UNLV, Louisville, Florida, toppled as easily as pine trees before relentless clear cutters.

Absolutely no respect for the anointed teams.

No number I seeds, no number 2 seeds, only a 3, 4, 8 and a qualifier 11 remain. A George Mason, Gonzaga, or Butler every few years to add a fa├žade of openness, but two in a year are disruptive of the settled order. Whatever happened to San Diego State and Jimmer? At least Boise State isn’t in the NCAA’s.

Everyone’s brackets shattered. Anyone who predicted Butler would play Virginia Commonwealth in the semifinals had to be Shaka Smart.

Kentucky and UConn, especially Kentucky, are traditional basketball powers, but Kentucky hasn’t been back since 1998. It’s been basketball history. Kentucky playing UConn in the semis is a ratings disaster for it means the winner plays an upstart – a team with players who play the whole 4 years – players who play as a team. No one and done for those two teams.

This year’s Final Four is a travesty of all that true basketball fans whole dear.

U.S. News & World Reports had a solution to the disruption in the force field a decade ago. It ranked Cal Tech as the top undergraduate university in the nation. Not only did the magazine change the criteria so that Cal Tech slipped to fifth the next year, but it fired the editor who picked Cal Tech as the best.

Forget the media. If Virginia Commonwealth wins it all, the sports books in Vegas will take a bath. Too many large bets were laid when VCU was a 80-1 underdog. What goes in Vegas does not always stay in Vegas.

Who are the players on these teams? Quick, name the starting lineup for any one of them. Name two starters for each team?

Questions remaining to be answered:

Who said VCU shouldn’t have even been in the tournament?

Will Calipari be three for three with the NCAA after taking UMass and Memphis to the Final Four?

Will Calipari and Calhoun show their mutual disrespect for each other, or share a beer as they laugh about the NCAA?

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Judicial Follies in Wisconsin

Judicial Activism! Judicial Legislation! Judicial Dirty Tricks! Why shouldn’t the
Wisconsin Supreme Court be affected by the vicious partisan politics in Wisconsin?

The Wisconsin Supreme Court flipped in the last judicial election from one of the three most liberal state supreme courts (along with Florida and New Jersey) to a 4:3 conservative bench.

The United States Chamber of Commerce and other conservative forces became exasperated by liberal courts with an anti-business bias. They mounted campaigns beginning a decade ago against sitting judges standing for reelection or to fill judicial vacancies. These campaigns became effective in changing the composition of many courts.

Social conservatives in Iowa on November 2, 2010 voted three sitting justices, including the Chief Justice, off the Iowa Supreme Court. The sole concern of Iowa voters was that the Iowa Supreme Court in 2009 legalized gay marriages in Iowa, striking down the state’s Defense of Marriage Act. My view is that the issue should be decided by the people, either through the ballot or their elected representatives in the state legislature.

Both sides can play the judicial election game, and a particularly bitter one is heating up in Wisconsin before the April 5 election.

Chief Justice Shirley Abrahamsom is an unabashed liberal. Her good friend on the court is Associate Justice Ann Walsh Bradley, who released emails to the local media, detailing a story about Associate Justice David Prosser, a conservative, in chambers calling the Chief Justice a bitch and threatening to “destroy” her.

Justice Prosser, to his credit, does not deny the story, but corrects it to say that he called Chief Justice Abrahamson a “total bitch.” He claims she goaded him.

Revenge is best served cold, and the story was released three weeks before the April election. The Wisconsin unions are supporting his opponent, the liberal Assistant Attorney General JoAnne Kloppenburg. Their goal is to flip the Court back to liberal before the issue of the state’s new anti-collective bargaining statute comes to the Court. They have allegedly spent $3 million so far in their efforts - a small investment if they can defeat the new statute in the courts.

Having lost at the ballot box and in the legislature, they hope to win in the judiciary. They are tagging Judge Prosser with Governor Scott walker, and also using the bitch remark to tell the voters of Wisconsin that the Justice lacks a judicial temperament.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Alexandra Wallace and the Do Not Send Button

We all know about Alexandra Wallace, the UCLA coed, who posted a video on YouTube - the video in which she appears as a spoiled, immature, drunk or stoned, Valley Girl, who lets loose with a racist rant.

She’s dropping out of UCLA and will have to live with her shame the rest of her life.

She says that it was meant as satire.

Let us not forget Matthew Cucchiaro, who resigned two days ago as the student government diversity director at the University of Colorado. He posted a blog two years ago under a pseudonym. It was entitled: “Today’s Stupid Human Beings: Women.”

It contains such pearls of wisdom as

"Guys, I don't need to tell you this: women are not as smart as men. Now before all you chicks look up from your gossip mags and yammer on and on as you do about how that's sexist, I don't mean all women -- I'm sure there are a couple of heffers in congress or the senate who are about on par with the average male. Also, that Asian character on Grey's Anatomy knows some big words but she obviously doesn't count because, well, she's Asian." (Thanks to the Colorado Daily) (Read more: http://www.coloradodaily.com/latest-stories/ci_17648316#ixzz1HCYLcA73
Coloradodaily.com).

The diversity director also said he meant it as satire.

Satire can be so deadly when people take it seriously.

But that’s not the point of this blog.

The problem is the send button. It can be radioactive.

It’s so seductively convenient to push the send button.

When we finish writing or videoing something, such as Alexandra or Matthew, we believe it is the most brilliant piece ever composed.

Of course it isn’t, which is why I advise students to complete their drafts about a week before the paper is due, so that they can give it a final, more objective assessment.

Do not push the send button.

We would get angry decades ago and write a strong letter. If we had sense, we would place it in the desk for a week or two, and then decide if we really wanted to send it. We usually decided not to. But today with the convenient send button too many immediately push the send button. They soon regret it.

Do not push the send button.

I’ve had colleagues who have sent emails containing ad hominum attacks on others. Sooner or later these emails get leaked with great embarrassment to all involved.
Do not push the send button.

If you are angry, do not push the send button.

If you are drunk, or otherwise under the influence, do not push the send button.

If you are dealing with a creditor, think carefully before pushing the send button.

Too many high school and college students, with a sophomoric sense of humor, post on YouTube, blogs, FaceBook, Twitter, etc. without thinking of the consequences. If you do not wish a future employer, college, or your parents to see it, then do not push the send button.

If you say something offensively, then unless a cellphone captures the moment, you have plausible denialiblity. Not of it’s in writing; do not push the send button.

If you are sexting photos (Vanessa Hudgens et al), do not push the send button.

If you are under the age of 18, delete them from your cell phone. If you are over 18, also delete them.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Lessons from BP, Japan, and Katrina

Natural disasters become disasters because large population centers develop on, under, over, or next to geologically fragile environs, such as seismic zones, tornado alley, and hurricanes zones.

Man’s hubris is that we can control nature. We may be able to temper nature, but the full force of nature will trump the forces of man.

Man can no more tame nature than a wild animal trainer can domesticate a lion or tiger.

40 years of geologic quiescence and apparent safety lead to delusions of safety and hubris.

The midst of a disaster is not the time to reassess risk analysis.

Worst case scenarios, although rare, do occur, sometimes worse than the projections. If models project a maximum seismic event of a 7.0, don’t be surprised by a 7.1 or 7.8.

A 9.0 earthquake will do tremendous damage to a built environment. Most buildings cannot be designed and constructed to withstand such a quake. So too with a Category 4 or 5 hurricane. The Category 5 will destroy almost any levee in its path.

The force of a tsunami will differ on whether it comes at high tide or low tide.

A great nation, such as Japan, can be brought to its knees when its critical infrastructure, especially roads, railroads, and power, is crippled.

We are truly a global economy with extended supply chains. A volcano in Iceland can disrupt international air travel.

Don’t run your tests in broad daylight on a clear day, because incidents can occur anytime.

Technology that tests the limits of technology will be tested.

To paraphrase Ayn Rand, periodically question your premises and assumptions. Fukushima’s backup generators, the key to the emergency cooling systems, were flooded by the tsunami. Tokyo Electric Power Company placed them on low ground on the assumption the sea walls would hold. After Katrina, when many of the backup generators flooded out by being placed close to the ground, this assumption was no longer viable.

Emergency action plans rarely work as planned in a major disaster, but they provide a framework for flexibility. A grossly inadequate EAP, as BP’s, is not worth the
paper it’s printed on.

As in bridge, a responder who hesitates is lost. Government at all levels initially responded poorly to Katrina, and TEPCO hesitated in cooling the reactrs with sea water, while BP had trouble understanding what was happening with the blowout preventor.

Beware at the beginning of a disaster of the statements of fear mongers and shills for neither know the facts.

The underlying facts and risks will not be known as the disaster unfolds. Only later will the facts come out. For example, Three Mile Island was not the nuclear apocalypse as initially portrayed by the media. Neither was the Gulf Blowout, although it did cause enormous environmental damage.

The media usually highlights the worst case.

Emergencies are often a learning experience. We either learn from the mistakes of disasters and tragedies, or they will reoccur. After Katrina, TEPCO had sufficient time to move the generators.

Engineers and scientists can creatively respond, as with BP and TEPCO, to solve the problem, and adapt future plans accordingly.

Human nature being what it is, we do not always learn from our mistakes. Sometimes we simply want to rebuild in the same place in the same way.

Lightning can strike twice in the same place. For example, New Orleans was struck by hurricanes nine times before Katrina. It will happen again.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Another Setback for Nuclear Power in the United States

The tragedy in Japan is yet another nail in nuclear energy’s coffin in the United States.

Sadly!

A hydrogen explosion at a second plant is alarming. A “partial” or “total meltdown” are not the words the American public wants to hear. Congressman Ed Markey of Massachusetts is already calling for President Obama to impose a moratorium on nuclear energy.

Nuclear is not “green” but it is the cleanest of fuels. It is not dependent on weather, international turmoil, or supply problems. Nor does it pollute.

Its reliability and safety record is as good as any other fuel, but, alas, when safety issues arise, the potential risk is great.

The Three Mile Island meltdown in 1979 essentially halted all new nuclear plants in the United States. TMI was not, in fact, a major health disaster, but the adverse publicity, coupled with the untimely coincidence of the movie, The China Syndrome, destroyed nuclear’s image in the public. It had already become the epitome of NIMBY opposition wherever plants were proposed. 63 proposed, or partially constructed, facilities were cancelled between 1975 and 1980. Some of the opposition were reminescent of the Luddites of a century ago.

Silkwood was another anti-nuclear movie that had a major impact on public perceptions.

Seemingly endless litigation, and continual reassessment of safety factors, led to a sharp escalation of costs, while the time interval between conception and generation of power became ten years. The National Environmental Policy Act of 1970 (NEPA) became the primary legal weapon against proposed nuclear power plants, with the D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals taking a strong stand against nuclear power on safety concerns. Questions of worst case analysis, psychological impacts, waste disposal, and energy conservation were litigated, all leading to delays and cost escalations.
The Russian blunder at Chernobyl, a true disaster, further blackened the image of nuclear power.

Even today, the problem of disposing of the high level nuclear generated by existing plants has not been politically solved with the Obama Administration trying to shut down Yucca Mountain in Nevada.

One of the safety issues in the early 1970’s was how to protect against a core meltdown when an event, such as an earthquake, shut down the primary cooling system. The answer was to build a backup cooling system, an emergency core cooling system (ECCS). What if though, the triggering event which destroyed the primary cooling system also struck the ECCS?

That’s essentially what happened in Japan. The earthquake shut down the primary cooling system and the tsunami flooded out the backup generators.

We are told that American reactors are safer and that it cannot happen here. For example, the San Onofre Nuclear Power Plant is on the California Coastline abutting the San Diego-Orange County line. The owner, Southern California Edison, says it is designed to withstand a 7.0 quake and has a 30’ retaining wall as protection against a tsunami.

These design specifications were based on experts saying the maximum possible earthquake would be less than 7.0 and the maximum tsunami would have a height of 25’.

The tragic San Francisco Earthquake and Fire of 1906 is widely estimated to be a 7.9. That’s not a reassuring margin of error. The "Big One" on the San Andreas Fault is considered by experts to be overdue.

Let us not focus just on the San Andreas for the two other great faults are the Cascadia in the Pacific Northwest and the New Madrid Fault in the greater Tennessee Valley area. However, all regions of the United States are subject to earthquakes.

President Obama’s proposed 2012 budget includes $36 billion in loan guarantees for new nuclear plants. It won’t happen.

The promise of nuclear energy was very different.

President Eisenhower promoted Atoms for Peace and Lewis Strauss, the Chairman of the Atomic Energy Commission, was quoted in 1954 as saying nuclear energy would be “too cheap to meter.” Nuclear energy was the wave of the future as coal power plants were phased out in our urban centers.

France and Japan jumped aboard the nuclear bandwagon. Nuclear generates 80% of France’s electricity and 30% of Japan’s compared to almost 20% in the United States.

Japan may now join the U.S. in its skepticism to nuclear power.

Friday, March 11, 2011

NCAA Follies

Ohio State is, once again, in trouble with the NCAA. Baylor, North Carolina, Oregon, UConn, and Southern Methodist also have problems.

Sooner or later, almost every major sports school will be in violation of some NCAA stricture. Major sports, especially football and basketball, less popular sports, public or private colleges, research universities or teaching schools, academic powerhouses and colleges I’ve never heard of before, religious or non-sectarian, large or small, the NCAA will come calling. Major violations, minor violations, technical violations, booster violations, say hello to the NCAA.

Here’s a list of schools hit by the NCAA with sanctions going back to 1999, so I can include Notre Dame on the list.

The Big Ten is well represented with Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Michigan, Minnesota, Ohio State, Purdue and Wisconsin, as well as the SEC (Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi State, South Carolina, and Tennessee).

The Pac Ten has Arizona, Arizona State, Berkeley, Oregon, USC and Washington, and its new members Colorado and Utah.

The list is full of saints, whose conduct was unholy to the NCAA: St. Augustine, Bonaventure, Johns, and Leo, as well as Baptist, Catholic, Methodist and Jesuit colleges.

The remainder include Abilene Christian, Albany, Alcorn State, Arizona, Ball State, Baylor, Bradley, Buffalo State, BYU, BYU Hawaii, Cal State Northridge, Central Florida, Central Oklahoma, Chatham, Cheyney University of Pennsylvania, Chicago State, Coastal Carolina, Dayton, Dominican (Illinois), Eastern Washington, Florida A & M, Florida International, Florida State, Fresno State, Gardner Webb, Georgetown, Georgia Southern, Georgia Tech, Hobart, Holy Cross, Howard, Humboldt State, Indiana University of Pennsylvania, Jackson State, Jacksonville, Kansas, Kentucky, Kentucky State, Kentucky Wesleyan, Lang College, Lewis, Lincoln, Long Beach State, Louisiana-Lafayette, Louisiana-Monroe, Lynn, Marshall, Maryland, McNeese State, Memphis, Miami, Middle Tennessee State, Millersville University of Pennsylvania, Mississippi Valley, Missouri, Missouri – St. Louis, Missouri Western, Morehead State, Morgan State, Murray State, Nevada Reno, New Hampshire, New Mexico, New Mexico State, Nicholls State, Northeastern, Northern Arizona, Northern Illinois, Notre Dame, Ohio Northern, Oklahoma, Oklahoma Panhandle, Oregon, Prairie View A & M, Richmond, Rutgers, Salem State, San Diego State, Savannah State, South Alabama, Southern Indiana, Southern Maine, Southern Vermont, Southwest Missouri, Stetson, Steven F. Austin, Stillman, SUNY Buffalo, SUNY Geneseo, SUNY Stonybrook, Temple, Tennessee Chattanooga, Tennessee State, Texas, Texas – Pan American, Texas A & M – Corpus Christie, Texas A & M – Kingsville, Texas Christian, Texas Southern, Texas State – San Marcos, UConn, UNLV, USC, USF, University of the District of Columbia, University of the Incarnate Word, Villanova, Washington, Weber State, Wesley, West Georgia, West Virginia and Youngstown State.

Even Harvard and Princeton have issues with the NCAA.

Something is wrong when so many institutions of higher education with student-athletes run afoul of the NCAA.

Ten possibilities exist to explain the epidemic of violations.

First, the pressure to win is so great that many coaches and schools feel the pressure to cheat, with some head coaches and administrators turning a blind eye. To quote Al Davis "Just win, Baby."

Second, standards and enforcement have changed. Such greats of the past as Woody Hayes and John Wooden would have to be more circumspect with their teams’ sugar daddies today.

Third, old habits die hard. Boosters often provided cars, cash and bought game tickets from players in the past. Some of these activities still go on.

Fourth, many schools are often recruiting a more amoral class of athletes. The rap sheets often exceed the NCAA violations.

Fifth, the NCAA has increased the compliance staff.

Sixth, the age of the internet has broadened transparency; rumors and leaks spread through the web in nanoseconds.

Seventh, other coaches are sometimes willing to turn in competitors.

Eighth, the NCAA rules can be incredibly arcane, arbitrary, confusing, and stupid.
Too many text messages or twitters to a potential recruit can violate an obtuse NCAA rule. Rick Neuheisel, currently coaching at UCLA, used his training as a lawyer to violate the spirit of NCAA rules by engaging in technicalities.

Nine, the NCAA does not accept plausible deniability as a defense.

Ten, major institutions know the NCAA is often feckless in its administration. It can be a crap shoot whether the penalty will be draconian (SMU or USC) or a slap on the wrist (Auburn and Ohio State).

Maybe all of the above.

Here’s the problem. With so many institutions running afoul of the NCAA, either we have a generation of some of the country’s greatest universities knowingly engaged in conduct they will not tolerate on the academic side, or the NCAA has become a clueless, billion dollar bureaucracy, which often gets nailed for antitrust violations, but cows universities.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Slate of Possible Replacements for Charlie Sheen on 2 1/2 Men

Rob Lowe (the rumored one)

Tom Arnold

Alec Baldwin

Blago

Gary Busey

Tom Cruise

Robert Downing, Jr.

Bob Dylan

John Galliano

Mel Gibson

Jesse James

Joe Nameth

Randy Quaid

Mickey Rourke

Billy Bob Thornton

Tiger Woods

Friday, March 4, 2011

BYU Takes a Hard Stand Against Premarital Sex

Brigham Young University is a private, religious institution. If the Mormon University wishes to impose an honor code upon its students and student-athletes, it may do so. If the students sign the code to “live a chaste and virtuous life,” and to forswear drugs, alcohol, coffee, and tea, then they are free to do so. They can matriculate elsewhere if they wish.

I don’t question the precepts of any religion as long as they do not pose a threat to others. The wisdom though may be questionable.

God bless BYU for adhering to its moral values.

As we know the third ranked Cougars suspended for the remainder of the season, i.e. the NCAA basketball playoffs, Brandon Davies, its leading rebounder and third leading scorer. The university is sticking to its principles, as it did with a star football player last year. The potential cost to the university is great.

Davies’ dishonor was to have sex with his girl friend.

Sex? Not marijuana, cocaine, sexual assault, robbery, but sex?

Let’s be realistic.

Trying to ban premarital sex among teenagers with raging hormones is akin to standing in front of a tsunami asking it to stop.

Clark Kerr, the great Chancellor of Berkeley, remarked “the great administrative problems of the day were sex for the student, athletics for the alumni, and parking for the faculty.”

The Jesuits at the University of San Francisco had a strict moral code in the early 1960’s. One of the key principles was no coeds in the dorm. At one point a student, in a ground level dorm room, had his girl friend visiting for three days. The administration found out. The response was farcical. Two RA’s climbed through the window while a priest entered through the door. He was expelled, but the Jesuits could not stop the sexual revolution unleashed by the pill.

The Catholic Church is opposed to abortion and contraception. However, by the mid-60’s many of the Jesuits at USF reached a moral accommodation with birth control. Many Catholics practice safe sex outside of marriage, and several Catholic politicians are publicly Pro-Choice.

We also know, of course, that the Church has great difficulty enforcing chastity among its ranks. Indeed, a Jesuit law professor, who taught me Labor Law, quietly left the order a few years later when he was marrying a 27 year old cocktail waitress he had impregnated.

Our colonial forbears engaged in "bundling" in which, on their honor, they would remain chaste. Hormones often triumphed.

The military can't control sex and fraternization amongst its ranks and officer corps, but BYU expects its students to honor the honor code on and off campus..

Other religions and cultures require the bride to be a virgin. Some plastic surgeons are making a fortune recreating a hymen in some of these brides shortly before the marriage.

The problem with the BYU Honor Code is that it defies genetics and human nature.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

And the Host of the 2012 Oscars Is ???

The 83rd Oscars were a national snooze fest – terminal ennui broken only by Billy Crystal’s appearance half way through, Randy Newman’s rambling acceptance speech, and the conclusion; that is, the fifth graders from P.S. 22 on Staten Island singing Over the Rainbow.

Who shall set the ship of Oscars straight next year? Build excitement, throw a quick quip, and enthrall the effortlessly the audience?

The nominees are:

The obvious choice is, no not Billy Chrystal, but Ricky Gervais. Prepared speech, ad lib, or ad hominum, he will keep the audience wired.

If not Ricky, then either Bob Hope or Johnny Carson. Just pop their caskets up, and photo shop their digitized remarks. The jokes are timeless. Even Francisco Franco would bring more life to the Oscars than James Franco.

Robin Williams – He will never stop, but no one will notice.

John Belushi as Samurai Oscar

Tina Fay: “I can see Russia from the Kodak Theatre.”

Billy Crystal and Steve Martin

Seinfeld - It’s really about nothing

Charlie Sheen: He’s special.

David Letterman is looking better every year

Chris Rock was actually pretty good

Sean Penn – You just never know

Lady Gaga – she’s mastered the Madonna School of Self-Promotion

If co-hosts are needed, then a trio of odd couples could light up the stage:

Keith Olbermann and Sarah Palin
or
Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields
or
Roberto Bernini and Charo

And the winner is Brice Vilanch